Eye openeing

RE: Downward spiral

I cant explain exactly what I was feeling or why but what it was wasnt good. I had been real down on the world in general and looking at things from a half full perspective. When my insane downswong occured it made me take a step back and rethink my thinking. Usually the tone of my blogs is upbeat and optimistic. This is how I try and see the world otherwise why the fuck live, really. I wasnt doing that early last week. I was down on society and the world around me.

Sometimes I shelter myself to much from the world around me. To be honest I have no fucking clue what is going on in the news anymore. I basically live eat and breathe poker when I am not spending time with my girlfriend and her son. It isnt a bad life, slightly unbalanced yes.

I have decided to start doing a few extra things for me besides just poker. In order to excel at poker like I desire I must commit a good amount of my time to both playing and studying. This does not mean it must dictate my life and keep me from enjoying social events and interacting with my friends and loved ones. All work and no play isnt fun.

Ok so basically I lost my train of thought. What I am trying to say is I need to get back to being positive win, lose or draw. Poker results shouldnt ever dictate my mood, good or bad. Its just work. yes I am happy when I do my job well. To be honest though I should always be doing my job well and even when I do it excellent I still might lose.

Outside of poker I need to enjoy every moment of every day to its fullest. I remeber once I posted that life is about having fun. If you arent having any what the fuck are you doing? If I was born to be miserable and feel like shit all the time then I might as well buy a gun and end it. That is the truth too. This life is way to short to not enjoy every fucking minute of it. I am so guilty of allowing myself to forget this concept. Hopefully by writing it here it will stay in the front of my mind.

To sum it up. Suck it up! Life is only as good or bad as you make it. Remember you choose your path, choose the fun one. I dont care who you are, where you are, or what your life is like right now. You are the only one who has the power to make it better. Choose to live like a King or Queen. You deserve it.

Downward spiral

WOW! I am in utter shock at the 180 degree turn my poker game has just taken. I was ripping and roaring and ready to have the best month ever this month. I started off with a solid first week and was sitting on $3k+ after Friday night. Then it all came crashing down. Who is to blame? ME!!! I have to really look in the mirror here and figure out what the fuck I am doing. This is honestly the worst I have felt mentally in a real long time. To be quite honest I am in a weird place right now. My life is great in so many ways yet sucks too. My problem is my mind never stops. This is one reason I drink too. After a horrible run at the tables I cant stop beating myself up. My mind goes through the losing hands over and over. Drinking numbs that. Seriously it is sick when I lose I have trouble being happy away from the tables. It seriously effects me.

OK so i am going to try and see this from a positive point of view. I have been here before and I fought mty way out of it once. This just makes the reward that much better. As bad as I have been playing I am really only down 500 bucks on the month which I have nearly made in rakeback. Also I do take full responsibility for my play but the cards have not been very giving over this stretch.

How I will come back? Strong and with fierce aggression and a positive frame of mind. I know I have the skills to beat this game as I have proven it time and again. I will refuse to booze. I will study that much harder and work to improve the leaks in my game. This is my fault and no one elses. I will overcome.

Constant evolution.

If we arent constantly advancing as individuals and striving for improvments what is it we have? Should we become content with what we have and simply exist? I dont speak of this in the literal sense like your typical consumer. I dont mean fancying bigger and better cars and homes and clothes. Granted those are all good things to want but I speak more mentally and phsyically. Some items might be necessary in order to achieve those things such as my new computer I will be receiving in the next day or two. I also acquired a very nice office set for free today which I am quite pleased with. I love craigslists. Granted I didnt get them there but I believe it played a factor in this furniture being on the sidewalk for free.

To be honest I dont know WTF I am talking about. This similar to a previous post actually. I have a gorgeous GF and amazing little guy in my life who I love and adore. Our current living situation isnt ideal and rather then be content with what we have I desire more. I have had a fair aount of success playing poker and could be content with the level I am at but I am not. I am not overly obese and actually some might say look good, but I am not content. I feel I have a semi strong spiritual understanding but I am not content. Ok enough!

What I am saying is to become complacent and satisfied with your current state isnt horrible. Shit it might actually be heaven on Earth. I am not there yet thought. When I look around I see many who are content and you know what, I dont see that much joy and happiness. What it all boils down to is a question I ponder often, maybe to much. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Again and again I come to the same answer. To enjoy every moment I am alive and continue to better myself and those around me both mentally and physically.

With that said I have been having loads of fun in the last year but I feel certain areas of myself have been neglected. I need to spend more time connecting with mother nature. I need to get back in good physical health and stay with it. I killed it when I did my brothers 6 week plan but since then I have packed it all back on. I need to remove anger and hate from my heart. I need to stop passing judgment on others as we are all equal.

If you have vomitted in your mouth reading this I do apologize.

Life update.

I love my life. Honestly I do. When I was young I battled with depression and lack of true motivation to live. I struggled to understand why we are here. I saw the worker bees gridning through a week just to make the weekend and then wake up and do it all again. Oh they get there 2 weeks vacation once a year, if you can call it vacation. This wasnt what I wanted from life. Us as humans were not put here for that reason. I dont know the reason. If you ask me I truly appreciate the Indain way of life. I cant say I truly know it but they lived off the land and were in harmony with mother Earth.

Currently I have found an occupation which allows me to do what I want when I want, for the most part. Also I have come to a great understanding of myself and the game of poker. If you look back on this and my other blogs there is a direct correlation between alchol and my best and worst months. August I didnt drink at all and I killed it. September I started drinking again and I got killed. I dont directly blame alchol but rather myself. Alchol weakens the brain and in order to excel at poker you need mental strength. If you cant stay strong mentally when the cards are going against you cant succeed at poker. This game is about mental toughness and making proper decisions that will have a profitable result in the long run. Mental weakness can take over and cause you to become results oriented and seek instant gratification. This isnt what poker is about. I have been boozing this month with mixed results and it wasnt till I had my breakthrough that I have decided to keep a close eye on my consumption.

October has been a great month starting with me hitting a 5.6K badbeat jackpot on the site I play at. This gave me a big bosst of confidence because I instantly had a huge bankroll and could take a shot at 200NL again without fearing losing. Since taking my second shot I have won back the 10BI's I dropped last month and then some and am feeling very confident in my ability to play winning poker at that stake. I look forward to continue success at 200NL with 400NL right around the corner. I apologize for the randomness of this post but that is how my mind works.

BR $13500<---from $100 deposited in late Feb.

A new month

The Tao is like a well:
used but never used up.
It is like the eternal void:
filled with infinite possibilities.

It is hidden but always present.
I dont know who gave birth to it.
It is older than God.

"Infinite possibilities." This is the human life. Life is filled with infinite possibilities yet it is up to us to keep knocking on doors and opening them. This is actually something I was thinking about the other day and I related it to my Mom and Dad. They are two totally different people. Basically there are so many different peopel in the world buit I think in reality they all fall into two different categories. Well atleast in America as I see it. On one hand you have the person who finds their nitch and comfort level and accepts it and lives their life safely and content. On the other you have the person who is always hungry for more and is never satisfied with their life as it is. They are constantly searching and seeking more.

Is one better then the other? Can one be both? This is the harmony I seek. I seek to be content with my life as it is yet motivated and driven to always search for ways to improve the areas which might be lacking.

Tao Te Ching

If you over steem great men,
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.

The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion in those who think that they know.

Practice not-doing
and everything will fall into place.

Try that shit on for size! When you take a real close look at these words and make an attempt to apply them to the modern world at first it may seem like a joke when in reality there is so much truth. I am not the know all end all of Tao and nor do I pretend that I understand what it is that is being said in each passage. What I do know is that each individual will interpret the words and apply a meaning to them which coincides with their life. In are society where noone ever stops and breathes to practice not-doing is uimaginable in its literal sense but there is much merit to this idea.

My interpritation is that we as a people give to much power to material things and allow them to drive us in life. In truth it is fucking disgusting. I am not innocent. I too desire beautiful things. Who doesnt? Allowing material objects to become the driving force in your life will allow them to control your well being. True happiness isnt having everything you wish for, its wishing for nothing and having everything. "Practice not-doing and everything will fall into place."

Its been too long.

I havent posted in ages and to be quite frank I feel I have lost that positive edge I was carrying around. I dont quite know where it went. As I write this I think it might have to actually do with drinking again. Sounds kinda crazy but everything in my world was on the up and up. Cards were running great, was gearing up for my last semester at school and then I started drinking again. Crads feel to shit and I opted to take the semster off. Quincidence? Mayeb, maybe not. Either way there is no excuse for me behavior and my lack of positivity. Do I have everything I could ever want in life? Of course not but who the f%$k does anyways. For me life is still pretty sweet and I know with the proper frame of mind I can do what ever I want and achieve whatever it is I want.

This month has been my toughest month of poker yet and this could have a lot to do with my struggles spiritually as well. Its truly a challenge to stay positive and up beat when the cards run as bad as they have. For those who arent in the know about poker I will display one of the many evil hands I have run into this month for your viewing pleasure. http://www.pokerhand.org/?1513877 It is doubly devastating that my struggles have occured as I attempted to make a move up. What that means it that basically all my wins and of course loses double in value. I dont doubt for one minute my ability to beat the next level and will continue to make shots. At the same time it is demoralizing to move up and play your best only to have 22-1 long shot spike his 2 outer on the river for an $800 pot.

With all the crying done I will have you know that even though it may sound like I am losing my house I am actually ahead for the month in all aspects of my line of work. I have several sources of income besides the raw earnings from my play. I have begun coaching a fellow player at a rate of 25 an hour with 4hrs of coaching a week. Also I have done a solid amount of relaod and RB. My bank roll as actually grown while I have suffered the toughest dry spell of my career. Current BR standing, $9367. That is +$1914 from my last BR post on 8/27 so not so bad at all.

Throughout my journey I have continued to set goals for myself and yet I have continually failed. I am not a failure. I will succeed at poker, life, and above all being happy. From this moment forward my goal is to play poker to the best of my ability and not allow the outcome of individual hands effect my emotions. I will dedicate 4 hours a day to playing poker and another 2 to some form of study of the game. I will continue my gym routine and add in some solid cardio. I will get back on track with my eating habbits. I will lighten my alcohol intake. Please pause for I must open a nice cold beer(Kamahl you had Anchor Summer Brew?) ah cold beer. Anyways I dont know precisely where this is going but I havent written forever and that could be another thing. This blog has helped me in a major way and I have neglected it. I love you blog. Please take me back. I thank you faithful reader if you have reached this point ansd please pray that next time I get it in best I hold.