Eye openeing

RE: Downward spiral

I cant explain exactly what I was feeling or why but what it was wasnt good. I had been real down on the world in general and looking at things from a half full perspective. When my insane downswong occured it made me take a step back and rethink my thinking. Usually the tone of my blogs is upbeat and optimistic. This is how I try and see the world otherwise why the fuck live, really. I wasnt doing that early last week. I was down on society and the world around me.

Sometimes I shelter myself to much from the world around me. To be honest I have no fucking clue what is going on in the news anymore. I basically live eat and breathe poker when I am not spending time with my girlfriend and her son. It isnt a bad life, slightly unbalanced yes.

I have decided to start doing a few extra things for me besides just poker. In order to excel at poker like I desire I must commit a good amount of my time to both playing and studying. This does not mean it must dictate my life and keep me from enjoying social events and interacting with my friends and loved ones. All work and no play isnt fun.

Ok so basically I lost my train of thought. What I am trying to say is I need to get back to being positive win, lose or draw. Poker results shouldnt ever dictate my mood, good or bad. Its just work. yes I am happy when I do my job well. To be honest though I should always be doing my job well and even when I do it excellent I still might lose.

Outside of poker I need to enjoy every moment of every day to its fullest. I remeber once I posted that life is about having fun. If you arent having any what the fuck are you doing? If I was born to be miserable and feel like shit all the time then I might as well buy a gun and end it. That is the truth too. This life is way to short to not enjoy every fucking minute of it. I am so guilty of allowing myself to forget this concept. Hopefully by writing it here it will stay in the front of my mind.

To sum it up. Suck it up! Life is only as good or bad as you make it. Remember you choose your path, choose the fun one. I dont care who you are, where you are, or what your life is like right now. You are the only one who has the power to make it better. Choose to live like a King or Queen. You deserve it.

Downward spiral

WOW! I am in utter shock at the 180 degree turn my poker game has just taken. I was ripping and roaring and ready to have the best month ever this month. I started off with a solid first week and was sitting on $3k+ after Friday night. Then it all came crashing down. Who is to blame? ME!!! I have to really look in the mirror here and figure out what the fuck I am doing. This is honestly the worst I have felt mentally in a real long time. To be quite honest I am in a weird place right now. My life is great in so many ways yet sucks too. My problem is my mind never stops. This is one reason I drink too. After a horrible run at the tables I cant stop beating myself up. My mind goes through the losing hands over and over. Drinking numbs that. Seriously it is sick when I lose I have trouble being happy away from the tables. It seriously effects me.

OK so i am going to try and see this from a positive point of view. I have been here before and I fought mty way out of it once. This just makes the reward that much better. As bad as I have been playing I am really only down 500 bucks on the month which I have nearly made in rakeback. Also I do take full responsibility for my play but the cards have not been very giving over this stretch.

How I will come back? Strong and with fierce aggression and a positive frame of mind. I know I have the skills to beat this game as I have proven it time and again. I will refuse to booze. I will study that much harder and work to improve the leaks in my game. This is my fault and no one elses. I will overcome.